Wondrous Wednesday: Robe of Useless Items (D&D5E)

Back in Dragon magazine issue #156 (April 1990), John M. Maxstadt had an article called "Yet Even More [Gods Forbid] Outrages From the Mages." The name refers to his article in issue #144 (April 1989) called "Still More Outrages from the Mages," but where it 1989 article had joke spells, the 1990 article had joke magic items.

While most of the items are pure humor material (such as the ring of spell storing which just spells the word "storing" out loud when activated), some of them had more gamable content. One of these, my personal favorite, was the robe of useless items.

The normal robe of useful items is a good low-level reward for adventurers: a magic robe that can produce mundane items that characters might find useful that they frequently forget to buy when shopping. Or, items that can't be bought, like a door that automatically installs itself. To the best of my knowledge, this item first appeared in the AD&D 1st edition Dungeon Master's Guide (1979) on page 150, and has been repeated in every edition since.

The item's gimmick appeals to a certain type of D&D gamer: the kind of player who envisions a character who puzzles their way out of tight situations. For those characters, the utility of an item that produces other items is obvious. The robe is popular enough that many variants have been posted online.

And that also explains the appeal of the robe of useless items. It's basically another variant, albeit with items whose utility is not yet apparent. In any case, my take on the concept can be seen below. It draws on Mr. Maxstadt's original, but I've made modifications – humor changes with the times.

Robe of Useless Items

Wondrous item, uncommon

This robe appears to be a garment of no great value – appearances can deceive, but not in this case. The wearer will notice several odd-shaped patches on the garment, primarily because they chafe in uncomfortable places. While wearing the robe. you can use an action to detach one of the patches, causing it to become the object or creature it represents. When enough patches have been removed, the robe becomes very drafty, so it is wise to reserve the patches for emergencies.

A robe will always have 2 each of the following patches:

• Rubber dagger and glass shield (matched set)
• Paper lantern (filled and lit) that generates light (as per the cantrip) for one round before being consumed at the start of your next turn
• Cracked glass mirror (you receive disadvantage on your next ability check, saving throw, or attack roll)
• 10-foot pole (made of balsa wood)
• Brittle twine (50-feet, rolled into a ball)
• Sack (can hold up to 5 pounds of gear before tearing)

In addition, the robe has 4d4 other patches. The DM chooses the patches or determines them randomly.

Roll         Description

01-08 Burlap bag of 1,000 lead pieces

09-15 Wooden box (1 foot long, 6 inches wide and deep) containing feces of indeterminate species

16-22 Straw door (up to 10 feet wide and 10 feet high, highly flammable), which you can place in an opening you can reach; it conforms to fit the opening, attaching and hinging itself

23-30 10 shiny river rocks ideal for skipping

31-44 Wooden ladder (24 feet long) with three equally-spaced rungs

45-51 A riding mouse with tiny saddle and saddle bags (use the rat statistics from the Monster Manual page 335, but remove the Bite attack)

52-59 Thousands of marbles (treat as ball bearings, Player's Handbook page 151) that immediately fall to your feet and fill a 15-foot radius

60-68 Half a bucket of stale orcish beer

69-75 Rowboat (12 feet long) made of loosely-woven wicker

76-83 Treasure map pinpointing the exact location of an immense hoard, relative to “the old oak tree,” “the big rock,” “the woodcutter’s shack,” and ”the bend in the river” (extraneous details such as the name of the kingdom or the continent are omitted)

84-90 Two toads (see the Monster Manual page 322 for statistics)

91-96 A dose of sovereign glue in a tightly stoppered unbreakable bottle that has not been coated with oil of slipperiness

97-00 Ram (deceased, use giant goat statistics from the Monster Manual page 326, but reduce hit points to 0)