Fantastic Friday: The Crazed Book of Mog (5E)

 An article from the April 1994 issue of Dragon magazine (#204), this was by Matt Posner, “Arcane Lore: The Crazed Book of Mog.” Unlike a lot of articles of a similar type, the joke spells provided actually had real uses, and the book was an interesting object in and of itself. I've used different spell names that I found in The Incomplete Book of Books and Tomes IV on ENWorld. I'm not sure who the authors are, so I haven't credited them; if somebody knows, please post the information!

The Crazed Book of Mog

A square book three feet on a side, composed of several hundred discolored and moldy pages sandwiched between boards bound inexpertly in ratskin, this work is of uncertain provenance. Handwritten on the flyleaf is the title, “Practical Jokes and Party Favors,” scrawled in smudged red ink. Its contents consist of mad ravings, many amateurish illustrations of indeterminate subject matter, and odd practical jokes and pranks, in no apparent order. While hundreds of references are made to “Mog the Great,” “the Ineffable Mog,” and “Mog the Mognificent,” there is no indication that this is the book’s actual author. Some pages are written in one (or more) of a dozen different styles of calligraphy, while others are scrawled in a childish and uncertain hand. Words are written in dozens of different color ink; four or five colors might be used in the same sentence. Most pages begin with illuminated capitals at the top.

The pranks described include strange variations of several spells: Mog's sudden corpulence, clanging chimes of Morn, Macho's hideous belching, Pelf's rancid arrow, Spattermon’s convivial janitor, Spattermon’s obstinate janitor, hallucinatory murrain, wall of paper, Ubiquoque’s random dispatcher, and power word kill rodents.

Some scholars believe this book to be a manifestation of a spirit of Chaos, or the work of a trickster god. It has appeared in otherwise serious and magically-defended places (such as the libraries of wizards’ guilds and imperial universities) seemingly without mundane intervention. Some have reported that it fails to be detectable by spells; others that it registers as a celestial, fiendish, or fey creature of chaotic alignment.

Clanging Chimes of Morn
1st-level enchantment (bard, sorcerer, wizard)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 90 feet
Components: V, S, M (a bell of any type)
Duration: 1 minute

This spell awakens creatures from any kind of slumber. Roll 5d8, the total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect. Creatures within 20 feet of a point you choose within range are affected in ascending order of their current hit points.

Starting with the creature that has the lowest current hit points, each creature affected by this spell instantly wakes up and may immediately take action. Subtract each creature's hit points from the total before moving on to the creature with the next lowest hit points. A creature's hit points must be less than or equal to the remaining total for that creature to be affected. (Since creatures unconscious due to hit point loss are at 0 hit points, a great many such creatures can be affected by this spell.)

At the end of the creature's next turn, each creature awakened by this spell but at 0 hit points falls unconscious and must make their next death saving throw at disadvantage. Creatures awakened from unconsciousness that was due to a poison effect or a magic spell (such as sleep) immediately fall unconscious at the end of their next turn.

Undead and creatures immune to being charmed aren't affected by this spell.

At Higher Levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 2nd level or higher, roll an additional 2d8 for each slot level above 1st.

Hallucinatory Murrain
3rd-level illusion (bard, druid, warlock, wizard)

Casting Time: 10 minutes
Range: 300 feet
Components: V, S, M (a twig, a tuft of grass, a bit of bark, or a large leaf that the caster must chew and swallow)
Duration: 24 hours

You make natural plants in a 150-foot cube in range appear diseased, mutated, or otherwise repellent to all senses except touch. Thus, open fields can be made to resemble a blighted plains or some other unappealing or noxious terrain. A pond can be made to seem like a sickly morass, a flowery hillside like a tangle of brambles, or a wooded copse like a haunted forest. Manufactured structures, equipment, and non-plant creatures within the area aren't changed in appearance.

The tactile characteristics of the plants are unchanged, so creatures entering the area are likely to see through the illusion. If the difference isn't obvious by touch, a creature carefully examining the illusion can attempt an Intelligence (Investigation) check against your spell save DC to disbelieve it. A creature who discerns the illusion for what it is, sees it as a vague image superimposed on the terrain.

Macho's Hideous Belching
1st-level enchantment (bard, wizard)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 30 feet
Components: V, S, M (a quart of ale and two large pork sausages that the caster must eat)
Duration: Concentration, up to 1 minute

A creature of your choice that you can see within range must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or immediately begin belching and be unable to stop for the duration. While it is belching, a creature is unable to speak intelligibly or cast spells with a verbal component. The target has disadvantage on Dexterity (Stealth) checks made to move silently or hide, and attack rolls made against an invisible belching target do not suffer disadvantage; these effects do not apply against creatures that are deafened. As the belches leave behind the aroma of ale, checks made to track an individual under the effect of this spell are made with advantage.

At the end of each of its turns, and each time it takes damage, the target can make another Wisdom saving throw. The target has advantage on the saving throw if it's triggered by damage. On a success, the spell ends.

At Higher Levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 2nd level or higher, you may affect one additional creature in range for each slot level above 1st.

Mog's Sudden Corpulence
2nd-level transmutation (sorcerer, wizard)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 30 feet
Components: V, S, M (a wheel of old cheese weighing at least 50 pounds that the caster must balance on their head)
Duration: Concentration, up to 1 hour

This variant of enlarge/reduce causes a creature you can see within range to gain body mass for the duration. The creature makes a Constitution saving throw; if the creature is wearing magical clothing or armor, it has advantage on this saving throw. On a success, the spell has no effect.

The creature gains body fat which increases its weight to four times normal. This growth does not increase its size. Instead, the spell causes growths to erupt all over the creature's body. Until the spell ends, the target has disadvantage on Dexterity checks and saving throws. The target's armor and clothing fall to the ground undamaged leaving the creature unharmed. Flying creatures affected must land at the end of every round, or they sink to the ground unharmed at the end of their turn and fall prone.

Pelf's Rancid Arrow
1st-level evocation (wizard)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 90 feet
Components: V, S, M (a flask of vinegar that the caster must pour over their head)
Duration: Instantaneous

A bilious yellow arrow streaks toward a target within range and bursts in a spray of vinegar. Make a ranged spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target is struck and each creature adjacent to the target must succeed with a Dexterity saving throw or be affected as well. Each creature affected is blinded until the end of its next turn.

In addition, all food and drink in a 5-foot radius of the target is fouled.

At Higher Levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 2nd level or higher, you create one additional arrow for each level above 1st. Each arrow may target a different creature in range.

Power Word Kill Rodents
9th-level enchantment (bard, sorcerer, warlock, wizard)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 600 feet
Components: V
Duration: Instantaneous

You utter a word of power that compels up to 1,000 rodents within range to die instantly. If a creature is a normal rodent, it dies; thus, the spell only affects normal Beast-type beavers, rats, mice, chipmunks, squirrels, porcupines, and so on. On “Giant” rodents, rodent familiars, or otherwise unusual rodent-like creatures, the spell has no effect.

Spattermon’s Convivial Janitor
1st-level transmutation (sorcerer, wizard)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 120 feet
Components: V, S
Duration: Permanent

This spell allows the caster to permanently prevent an open door, gate, or valve of wood, metal, or stone from being closed, in effect freezing it in its open position. The spell does not affect magical doors or individual doors larger than ten feet wide by ten feet tall. A dispel magic or knock spell can cancel this spell so long as the spell slot used to cast it is equal or higher level than the spell slot used to cast Spattermon’s convivial janitor.

Spattermon’s Obstinate Janitor
1st-level transmutation (sorcerer, wizard)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 120 feet
Components: V, S
Duration: Instant

This spell allows the caster to closes a single open door with some force, providing the required mechanism is still in place and the caster would normally be able to do so, even if it would be hard to close under normal circumstances (e.g., a door with jammed hinges would still be closed, but not a door with missing or broken hinges).

At Higher Levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 2nd level or higher, you may target one additional door within range for each level above 1st.

Ubiquoque’s Random Dispatcher
7th-level conjuration (bard, sorcerer, wizard)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: Touch
Components: V
Duration: Instantaneous (see below)

At a random interval after being cast, this spell transports you to a destination that is unknown to you. The destination will be on the same plane of existence as you. Despite your unfamiliarity with the destination, you always arrive there successfully. If you leave your plane of origin before the spell takes effect, it is instantly dispelled.

The delay before you teleport must be determined randomly by the DM.

D100	Time After Casting
01-15	5 minutes
16-30	1d20 minutes
31-45	1 hour
46-60	4 hours
61-75	4d6 hours
76-90	2 days
91-00	2d4 days

You appear a random distance away from where you began in a random direction. The DM determines the direction randomly by rolling a d8 and designating 1 as north, 2 as north-east, 3 as east, and so on around the points of the compass. No creatures within 50 miles of the destination may share a language with you.

Wall of Paper
3rd-level evocation (sorcerer, wizard)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 120 feet
Components: V, S, M (a bit of papyrus, parchment, or vellum)
Duration: Concentration, up to 10 minutes

A nonmagical wall of free-standing paper springs into existence at a point you choose within range. The wall is compos-ed of ten 10-foot-by-10-foot panels of either papyrus, parchment, or vellum. Each panel must be contiguous with at least one other panel. Alternatively, you can create the panels as a contiguous sheet of paper that appears rolled up.

If the wall cuts through a creature's space when it appears, the creature is pushed to one side of the wall (your choice). If a creature would be surrounded on all sides by the wall (or the wall and another solid surface), that creature can make a Dexterity saving throw. On a success, it can use its reaction to move up to its speed so that it is no longer enclosed by the wall.

The wall can have any shape you desire, though it can't occupy the same space as a creature or object. The wall doesn't need to be vertical or resting on any firm foundation. It must, however, merge with and be solidly supported by existing structures. Thus you can use this spell to bridge a chasm or seal off a corridor.

The wall is an object made of paper that can be damaged and thus breached. Each panel has AC 8 and 4 hit points. Reducing a panel to 0 hit points destroys it and might cause connected panels to collapse at the DM's discretion. The wall blocks line of sight.

If you maintain your concentration on this spell for its whole duration, the wall becomes permanent and can't be dispelled. Otherwise, the wall disappears when the spell ends.