Wondrous Wednesday: Graffiti Bottle & Censor of Controlling Air Elementals (D&D 5E)

Today's items come from "Still More [Gods Forbid] Out-rages From the Mages," by John M. Maxstadt from Dragon #144 (April 1989). In their original form the joke really only works if the items are found together. I think there's the germ of some interesting usability hiding in these jokes, and with a little work I think the following retain humor while being potentially useful in a few edge-cases in games.


 

Graffiti Bottle
Wondrous item, very rare

This painted brass bottle weighs 1 pound. When you use an action to remove the sigil-covered lead stopper, a cloud of wet mist flows out of the bottle. At the end of your turn, the mist disappears with a harmless breeze, and four air elementals appear in unoccupied spaces within 30 feet of you. See the Monster Manual for the elementals' statistics.
     Curse. The elementals are uncontrolled. Armed with spray cans, they paint rude slogans and obscenities all over every-thing (and everyone) in the area. After vandalizing the area for 5 rounds, they disappear and the bottle loses its magic.

Censor of Controlling Air Elementals
Wondrous item, rare

When any book containing at least one four-letter word (obscene or not) is burned in this censer, you can use an action to speak the censer's command word and summon a celestial, as if you had cast the summon celestial spell. The censer can not be used this way again until the next dawn.
     This 6-inch wide, 1-foot high vessel resembles a chalice with a decorated lid. It weighs 1 pound.
     Curse. The celestial appears as a bald and bespectacled little man (use the statistics for a planetar angel from the Monster Manual). It immediately begins passing judgement on all characters and actions it witnesses. It is extremely conservative and will find fault with everyone and everything if given the opportunity.
     If a graffiti bottle has been used, he will quickly scrub away all those filthy words, then sit those four naughty air elementals down and give them a good talking-to.

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